I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
