Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
