I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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