Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm like, not good at living.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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