that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
