She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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