i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
