i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
