This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
