I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
