I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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