yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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