I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
