She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
