If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
