I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
