i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
