he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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