you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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