ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
