i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
