Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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