Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
