I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
