I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
