Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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