can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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