you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
