You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
