pop tarts are not kleenex
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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