you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
