His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
