I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You are the jesus of drinking
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
