why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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