I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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