2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
