I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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