i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
