You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
