i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
