Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
