Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
