toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
