you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
