I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
tell me about the eggs
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
