i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
