oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
