atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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