why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
