me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
